Eifen Deifeiffen is a Cad

Eifen Deifeiffen was jauntily strutting down the hall when he caught the eyes of Gregory Millson. Why does this sorry little man keep turning up at my greatest moments? I should make him pay by informing him of my latest romantic escapade He strutted over to Gregory who was looking displeased.

"Good afternoon, Gregory" He said, "Looking chipper as usual." He laughed at his witty remark.

"What do you want Eifen Deifeiffen?" Gregory asked

Eifen Deifeiffen laughed. "Why do you always think I want something out of you, Gregory? I've merely come to inform you that I have seduced, slept with, and ruined the reputation of one of your prospective lovers." The chance that whomever Eifen Deifeiffen seduced had been one of Gregory's prospective lovers was very slim. Eifen Deifeiffen just had a tendency to refer to all women as prospective lovers of one man or another. Mainly himself.

"You really are a cad aren't you, Eifen Deifeiffen?" Gregory said

"Me? A cad? Really?" Eifen Deifeiffen said. He gave a sacrastic laugh. "Of course I'm a cad Gregory. Wouldn't you be one too if you had a name like Eifen Deifeiffen?" Gregory didn't respond. "I'll take that as a yes then. Well then, I have to seduce one of your other prospective lovers. Toodle-loo, Gregory!" He continued his strut down the hall.

Moral: It's hard not to be a cad if your name is Eifen Deifeiffen

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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Eifen Deifeiffen'.

An Excerpt from "The Adventures of Ted Johnson: One Man's Crusade against the Decline of Morality

Ted stared into the eyes of the Herb, the evil screenwriter. “You don’t realize how much your show hurts the human race.”

“But it doesn’t, Ted! Sex, drugs, and violence are the most entertaining things around. What harm does it do if someone watches on TV?”

“I used to think the same way,” Ted stifled back tears, “Until I saw my five year old son kill his mother in cold blood. You don’t realize the damage you’re doing, Herb! Not until you see first hand the lives you’re ruining! The families destroyed! The dreams crushed!”

“You’re so hasty to blame everything on television, Ted. The truth is that these so called immoralities have no effect. Have you considered other reasons for your son’s behavior? Maybe he was possessed by the devil? Maybe he’s just a horrible child. Or maybe,’ He gave an evil grin, “It was bad parenting.”

“I am not a bad parent!” He got up from his chair and punched the wall

“No need to get all worked up, Ted. Parenting is a hard thing.”

“I’m tired of your games, Herb! You know that you killed my wife and you know that you destroyed my son! You just are too cowardly, too evil, too morally corrupt to admit that. Your TV shows may seem harmless, but the sex, the drugs, the violence - It does something to us. Something that makes us start killing relentlessly. All this killing has to stop!”

“Look, I think you’re failing to understand that---”

“No, you don't understand!” Ted took a small moment to regain his breath. “Do you see this fist?” He pointed to his left fist, “I like to call it Morality. And this fist,” he pointed to his right fist, “is called Justice. And do want to know what Morality is telling me.”

Herb stared at the fist coolly, “What?” He asked.

“It’s telling me that you have an appointment with Justice. And your late”
Herb opened his mouth, as if to say ‘You don’t have the guts,’ but he was interrupted by Ted’s battle cry.

“FOR GREAT JUSTICE!” As Ted’s right fist flew towards Herb’s face, a bright light emerged from its tip. The snap of Herb’s skull shattering was quickly interrupted by a fizz as pure justice disintegrated Herb into a pile of ash. Ted kissed his fist and uttered his signature phrase. “You can’t run away from justice” He then left the room.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Vice'.

Exodizing

The rancher sat on a log staring at the vast expanse of his land. He was calm just staring, until a he saw a single cow running by. The cow was soon followed by many other cows all heading in the same direction. The noise of their hooves was deafening to the rancher. He merely stared, scorning the cows for trespassing. Once they left he let out a single sigh. "Why do these cows have to keep exodizing on my land?"
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Exodus'.

King Arthur

Theodore enters his room to find Jim sitting on his bed looking pleased

Jim: Hey, guess who I am?

Theodore:Who?

Jim: King Arthur

Theodore: Yeah?

Jim: Yeah man, I was walking down the hall and I looked in your room and there was Merlin, and he was like 'Heres a stone, take Excalibur out of it.' And I was like alright. So I went up to he stone and pulled out Excalibur. And then Merlin just bowed down to me, and I felt pretty awesome. Then he told me to go back in time and to reclaim my kingdom. But I was like screw that, I'm gonna use my special powers in my time. And then Merlin, like, got mad and went back in time. I think he muttered something about murdering me

Theodore: Dude.

Jim: Yeah.

They share a short silent moment

Jim: Hey, wanna be Lancelot?

Theodore: Sure

JIM: Sweet deal. Let me go get the Lady of the Lake

He runs off, never to be seen again.

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This post is part of a coordinated content project with John D. Moore of whatnot and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. Each Thursday, each contributor will do a post linked by some common theme or motif. This week's theme: 'King Arthur'.

The First Sentient Beetle. (Based on a true story) (!)

It’s been a couple months since I’ve met that beetle, but I will never forget it. For its extraordinary story has inspired me, perhaps, forever. I encountered it when it landed on a ball of duct tape I was observing. At first sight the beetle was a hideous thing, degrading my beautiful duct tape ball. It was not just an insect. It was a giant. It’s repulsively apparent insect features were only added to its hideous brown spotted shell. But I soon realized its brawn did not hinder its brains. After it landed on the ball, it seemed so wrapped up in thought that it didn’t even move. It merely sat. I wondered what had even caused it to land on the ball in the first place.

Perhaps it had been bullied by other beetles. They found him sitting upon something else, doing nothing but thinking. “Why do you just sit there and think?” They asked in whatever bizarre language beetles speak. The beetle, so deep in thought, wasn’t able to respond. The other beetles continued to scorn him. They didn’t like such a strange beetle. They scorned him so much that he was forced to move. Then he landed on my duct tape ball.

Here he was safe, and I would keep it that way as far as I could help it, even when I had to leave and observe other things, so I set him down gently on my windowsill. When I returned a day later neither the ball nor the beetle was there. I’m quite sure the beetle stayed on that ball till death. The ball probably blew away in the wind taking the beetle with it. If the beetle survived the wind, it would probably be too wrapped up in thought fulfill its basic needs for survival. I solemnly bowed my head in remembrance for the beetle. Although the other beetles would live long enough to procreate, that beetle would live on in a greater way. His thought passed into everything he touched. With him, the greater Provo area will be a beacon for thinking beetles. Perhaps someday, all the will beetles love him, despite the scorn he received from their ancestors. Someday they all will be too deep in thought to produce anymore beetles, and only their thought will remain.

Sex Tax, great idea or the greatest idea?

I have had an epiphany. Why not tax sex? I have a list of three positive effects if we adopted such a tax

1. It will fill up our coffers. After our economic crash, we need money. What better way to make money than tax one of our nations favorite passtimes?

2. Its a tax that the conservatives would like. Taxing sex implies discouraging sex. The religious right will praise whoever supports this plan.

3. It will slow down population growth. Our world has too many people. For those who refuse to use birth control, the sex tax will put an extra benefit in abstinence, not having to pay money. Not only will this solve the world population crisis, it will also decrease teen pregnancies. We all know how successful abstinence only education has been, so to add even more strength? Amazing.

So there you have it. The sex tax is my gift to humanity. I'd strongly encourage any congressman who reads this blog to propose it.

Movie Idea that probably came to me in a dream

A boy lives happily with his single father. But his father is tragically put into jail for a crime he did not commit. Out on the streets he learns that the president can pardon people out of jail. He vows to become the first child President of the United States so that he can pardon his father in this heartwarming tale of how dreams can come true.