It was a sad day at the Ventriloquism Society's Annual Talent Show. An audience hall that had once, long ago, been full of life, laughter and unmoving lips was now stale and tired from amateurs and washed up has-beens who didn't even attempt to keep their lips from moving. To add to that their jokes weren't funny and their dummies even failed to be jerks
The stage was unfilled. No one had the courage to take their dummy to the stage and attempt to redeem the day, because they knew that they would turn out be awful. But hope was regained when an old man stood up and moved towards the stage.
To say 'old' is to understate his age. He was as ageless as the stars, and looking at the antiquity of his dummy it seemed that he had practiced ventriloquism for an eternity. His lips were closed so tight, that they appeared as if they hadn't been opened in centuries. This old man truly was a master of the craft.
The audience held their breath as the man took his seat in front of the microphone. The dummy cleared his throat. I should say that the he cleared his throat, but that would be a shame to his craft. He knew that a true ventriloquist never ceases the act, and so it was the dummy that cleared his throat. The audience moved to the edge of their seats as the old man slowly opened the mouth of the dummy. As the old man, or the dummy, spoke, his voice emanated not only from the dummy, but the entire earth. They only entity that the voice didn't come from was the old man.
And thus, the dummy spoke.
"Well back in my day we didn't have ventriloquists. We just animated dolls and talked to them!"
The dummy laughed long and hard at his own joke. But he was the only one laughing. Vegetables were thrown.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Ventriloquism'.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Eifen Deifeiffen is a Cad
Eifen Deifeiffen was jauntily strutting down the hall when he caught the eyes of Gregory Millson. Why does this sorry little man keep turning up at my greatest moments? I should make him pay by informing him of my latest romantic escapade He strutted over to Gregory who was looking displeased.
"Good afternoon, Gregory" He said, "Looking chipper as usual." He laughed at his witty remark.
"What do you want Eifen Deifeiffen?" Gregory asked
Eifen Deifeiffen laughed. "Why do you always think I want something out of you, Gregory? I've merely come to inform you that I have seduced, slept with, and ruined the reputation of one of your prospective lovers." The chance that whomever Eifen Deifeiffen seduced had been one of Gregory's prospective lovers was very slim. Eifen Deifeiffen just had a tendency to refer to all women as prospective lovers of one man or another. Mainly himself.
"You really are a cad aren't you, Eifen Deifeiffen?" Gregory said
"Me? A cad? Really?" Eifen Deifeiffen said. He gave a sacrastic laugh. "Of course I'm a cad Gregory. Wouldn't you be one too if you had a name like Eifen Deifeiffen?" Gregory didn't respond. "I'll take that as a yes then. Well then, I have to seduce one of your other prospective lovers. Toodle-loo, Gregory!" He continued his strut down the hall.
Moral: It's hard not to be a cad if your name is Eifen Deifeiffen
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Eifen Deifeiffen'.
"Good afternoon, Gregory" He said, "Looking chipper as usual." He laughed at his witty remark.
"What do you want Eifen Deifeiffen?" Gregory asked
Eifen Deifeiffen laughed. "Why do you always think I want something out of you, Gregory? I've merely come to inform you that I have seduced, slept with, and ruined the reputation of one of your prospective lovers." The chance that whomever Eifen Deifeiffen seduced had been one of Gregory's prospective lovers was very slim. Eifen Deifeiffen just had a tendency to refer to all women as prospective lovers of one man or another. Mainly himself.
"You really are a cad aren't you, Eifen Deifeiffen?" Gregory said
"Me? A cad? Really?" Eifen Deifeiffen said. He gave a sacrastic laugh. "Of course I'm a cad Gregory. Wouldn't you be one too if you had a name like Eifen Deifeiffen?" Gregory didn't respond. "I'll take that as a yes then. Well then, I have to seduce one of your other prospective lovers. Toodle-loo, Gregory!" He continued his strut down the hall.
Moral: It's hard not to be a cad if your name is Eifen Deifeiffen
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Eifen Deifeiffen'.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
An Excerpt from "The Adventures of Ted Johnson: One Man's Crusade against the Decline of Morality
Ted stared into the eyes of the Herb, the evil screenwriter. “You don’t realize how much your show hurts the human race.”
“But it doesn’t, Ted! Sex, drugs, and violence are the most entertaining things around. What harm does it do if someone watches on TV?”
“I used to think the same way,” Ted stifled back tears, “Until I saw my five year old son kill his mother in cold blood. You don’t realize the damage you’re doing, Herb! Not until you see first hand the lives you’re ruining! The families destroyed! The dreams crushed!”
“You’re so hasty to blame everything on television, Ted. The truth is that these so called immoralities have no effect. Have you considered other reasons for your son’s behavior? Maybe he was possessed by the devil? Maybe he’s just a horrible child. Or maybe,’ He gave an evil grin, “It was bad parenting.”
“I am not a bad parent!” He got up from his chair and punched the wall
“No need to get all worked up, Ted. Parenting is a hard thing.”
“I’m tired of your games, Herb! You know that you killed my wife and you know that you destroyed my son! You just are too cowardly, too evil, too morally corrupt to admit that. Your TV shows may seem harmless, but the sex, the drugs, the violence - It does something to us. Something that makes us start killing relentlessly. All this killing has to stop!”
“Look, I think you’re failing to understand that---”
“No, you don't understand!” Ted took a small moment to regain his breath. “Do you see this fist?” He pointed to his left fist, “I like to call it Morality. And this fist,” he pointed to his right fist, “is called Justice. And do want to know what Morality is telling me.”
Herb stared at the fist coolly, “What?” He asked.
“It’s telling me that you have an appointment with Justice. And your late”
Herb opened his mouth, as if to say ‘You don’t have the guts,’ but he was interrupted by Ted’s battle cry.
“FOR GREAT JUSTICE!” As Ted’s right fist flew towards Herb’s face, a bright light emerged from its tip. The snap of Herb’s skull shattering was quickly interrupted by a fizz as pure justice disintegrated Herb into a pile of ash. Ted kissed his fist and uttered his signature phrase. “You can’t run away from justice” He then left the room.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Vice'.
“But it doesn’t, Ted! Sex, drugs, and violence are the most entertaining things around. What harm does it do if someone watches on TV?”
“I used to think the same way,” Ted stifled back tears, “Until I saw my five year old son kill his mother in cold blood. You don’t realize the damage you’re doing, Herb! Not until you see first hand the lives you’re ruining! The families destroyed! The dreams crushed!”
“You’re so hasty to blame everything on television, Ted. The truth is that these so called immoralities have no effect. Have you considered other reasons for your son’s behavior? Maybe he was possessed by the devil? Maybe he’s just a horrible child. Or maybe,’ He gave an evil grin, “It was bad parenting.”
“I am not a bad parent!” He got up from his chair and punched the wall
“No need to get all worked up, Ted. Parenting is a hard thing.”
“I’m tired of your games, Herb! You know that you killed my wife and you know that you destroyed my son! You just are too cowardly, too evil, too morally corrupt to admit that. Your TV shows may seem harmless, but the sex, the drugs, the violence - It does something to us. Something that makes us start killing relentlessly. All this killing has to stop!”
“Look, I think you’re failing to understand that---”
“No, you don't understand!” Ted took a small moment to regain his breath. “Do you see this fist?” He pointed to his left fist, “I like to call it Morality. And this fist,” he pointed to his right fist, “is called Justice. And do want to know what Morality is telling me.”
Herb stared at the fist coolly, “What?” He asked.
“It’s telling me that you have an appointment with Justice. And your late”
Herb opened his mouth, as if to say ‘You don’t have the guts,’ but he was interrupted by Ted’s battle cry.
“FOR GREAT JUSTICE!” As Ted’s right fist flew towards Herb’s face, a bright light emerged from its tip. The snap of Herb’s skull shattering was quickly interrupted by a fizz as pure justice disintegrated Herb into a pile of ash. Ted kissed his fist and uttered his signature phrase. “You can’t run away from justice” He then left the room.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Vice'.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Exodizing
The rancher sat on a log staring at the vast expanse of his land. He was calm just staring, until a he saw a single cow running by. The cow was soon followed by many other cows all heading in the same direction. The noise of their hooves was deafening to the rancher. He merely stared, scorning the cows for trespassing. Once they left he let out a single sigh. "Why do these cows have to keep exodizing on my land?"
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Exodus'.
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This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Exodus'.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
King Arthur
Theodore enters his room to find Jim sitting on his bed looking pleased
Jim: Hey, guess who I am?
Theodore:Who?
Jim: King Arthur
Theodore: Yeah?
Jim: Yeah man, I was walking down the hall and I looked in your room and there was Merlin, and he was like 'Heres a stone, take Excalibur out of it.' And I was like alright. So I went up to he stone and pulled out Excalibur. And then Merlin just bowed down to me, and I felt pretty awesome. Then he told me to go back in time and to reclaim my kingdom. But I was like screw that, I'm gonna use my special powers in my time. And then Merlin, like, got mad and went back in time. I think he muttered something about murdering me
Theodore: Dude.
Jim: Yeah.
They share a short silent moment
Jim: Hey, wanna be Lancelot?
Theodore: Sure
JIM: Sweet deal. Let me go get the Lady of the Lake
He runs off, never to be seen again.
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This post is part of a coordinated content project with John D. Moore of whatnot and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. Each Thursday, each contributor will do a post linked by some common theme or motif. This week's theme: 'King Arthur'.
Jim: Hey, guess who I am?
Theodore:Who?
Jim: King Arthur
Theodore: Yeah?
Jim: Yeah man, I was walking down the hall and I looked in your room and there was Merlin, and he was like 'Heres a stone, take Excalibur out of it.' And I was like alright. So I went up to he stone and pulled out Excalibur. And then Merlin just bowed down to me, and I felt pretty awesome. Then he told me to go back in time and to reclaim my kingdom. But I was like screw that, I'm gonna use my special powers in my time. And then Merlin, like, got mad and went back in time. I think he muttered something about murdering me
Theodore: Dude.
Jim: Yeah.
They share a short silent moment
Jim: Hey, wanna be Lancelot?
Theodore: Sure
JIM: Sweet deal. Let me go get the Lady of the Lake
He runs off, never to be seen again.
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This post is part of a coordinated content project with John D. Moore of whatnot and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. Each Thursday, each contributor will do a post linked by some common theme or motif. This week's theme: 'King Arthur'.
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